Home

  • It looks like it’s that time again

    I don’t know if anyone remembers or if there’s really anyone still here (it’s been a long time since the last time i was) but last february I issued a challenge to all the creative writers who read my posts. make a new introduction post at the beginning of each year. so here we are, its been about a year and it’s time I tell you who I am… again…

    you may already know my name is Phoenix. I’ve just turned 19, and I am nonbinary

    I don’t think I could honestly say I’m happy to be nobody anymore.

    Many people would say that I’ve lived more life than most could imagine.

    they would also say that I have personality in much the same quantity,

    I’m not sure if they mean it as a compliment or an insult.

    I love the stars, and the sun just after it sets,

    rain on the back of my neck, and hugs that last a little longer than they used to.

    I often forget to look at the things I love when they’re right in front of me.

    I think the greatest experience in life is reading a book for the second time.

    I stopped capitalizing my name when I learned you only capitalize something important

    but I’ve learned to capitalize my name since then.

    I often feel more comfortable when I’m alone

    because I’ve learned how not to be

    I’ve recently experienced the most self growth I ever have

    but now I know who I am

    I’ve had trouble writing for a while but I finally found my voice

    and I will use it to shout from every rooftop and busy street corner I see

    I AM HERE

  • A Lonely Heart’s Guide to Finding Love (again)

    1. don’t rush into things, take it one day at a time.
    2. don’t look for something you’ve already had. what you lost is gone, find something new.
    3. take some time to reflect. you’ll never be the person you were back then, learn who you are now
    4. don’t look too hard in one place. the things we need are often overlooked when searching for the things we want.
    5. look in the mirror. learn to recognize yourself.
    6. make something new. remember what it’s like to create something just for yourself
    7. talk to your friends. remember what it’s like not to be alone.
    8. be patient with yourself. it’s not hard to forget how much you matter.
    9. listen to music. remember the way it lifts up your soul.
    10. spend some time with yourself. learn how amazing you truly are.
    11. take a step back and look at the stars or the sea or a sunset. realize that it’s okay to be alone
    12. appreciate beauty. find a way to look past judgement.
    13. do some work that you don’t need to do. find the joy in the little things
    14. take a moment to appreciate the positive impact you have on those around you
    15. write/talk about your feelings. see the beauty in your emotions

    Love Yourself.

  • Every friend deserves a poem written about them.

    I used to write everything, love poems, text messages and compliments.

    I used to write about how I could see the world from my bedroom window.

    I don’t know how to write anymore but I’m still watching from my bedroom window.

    But my poetry is passion and love and compassion.

    And I don’t always know how those things fit into my friendships.

    I think every friend deserves a poem

    Because I would be nobody if I didn’t so damn much.

    I don’t know where I’d be without my friends

    So I’m writing again and I don’t know what to say.

    But it doesn’t matter anyway

    Because sooner or later I’ll be a memory in the back of their minds.

    Because I’m not half as important to them as they are to me.

    And when the time comes I’ll just say goodbye.

    I know better than to expect more than farewell.

    Friendship wasn’t made to last for long.

    I’ve spent too much time already looking for a friend who can stay.

    In the end we all go our own ways.

  • Irrational, Illogical, Implausible

    I’m going to be honest, a lot of my posts are written because I know one specific person is going to read them and she’s going to comment or at least like.

    I don’t think I’d say any of them are specifically to her or about her, but I guess she heavily influences them.

    Maybe it just feels nice to pretend like I’m actually writing for someone else.

    Maybe I am obsessive and creepy like everyone says I am.

    But I still wish she’d call, maybe text a few times.

    Like we could actually be more than just strangers.

    I still wish I’d had the confidence to try to tell her what I wanted her to know.

    Maybe not the part about the crush, but definitely the way I wanted to be her closest friend.

    But she already has her friends and I was just an outsider.

    Still, I wish I could get to know her.

    Or maybe I just wish I wasn’t such a hopeless romantic, chasing reflections of stars when they’re right above me.

    Sometimes I start to believe that thinking about someone too much is a crime.

    If it were I’d plead guilty before the jury was even halfway to their seats.

    The thing is, when everyone thinks you’re crazy, you start to think so too.

    If she wanted to talk to me she would have done it.

    If she wanted to be my friend she would have told me.

    It’s just irrational, illogical and Implausible.

  • All the Things I Miss

    I miss the way she looked at me and smiled

    I miss the mischievous jokes

    I miss the friends I thought I had

    I miss her calling me for hours on end to listen to me sing

    I miss the way she loved my guitar

    I miss the way we danced with absolute trust and reckless abandon

    I miss sharing my writing with someone who held on to every word

    I miss late nights when we should have been home hours ago

    I miss the way she could watch me draw for hours and never get bored

    I miss the look in her eyes when she knew I needed help

    I miss the ‘are you okay?’s and the ‘I love you anyways’

    I miss driving her to the store just for a craving

    All the things I miss

    But I don’t miss her

    Maybe I’ll find somebody else

    Who shows me new things to miss when I’m gone.

  • -delete-

    I have 24 posts in my drafts

    24 posts I’ll probably never publish

    In the past 3 weeks I have deleted 17 unfinished posts

    I have thrown away a full 10 lbs worth of half drawn sketches and partially filled journals

    I have erased more words than you could count in the dictionary

    I have worn out the backspace key on every keyboard  I own

    I wish my words came with receipts so I could remember how much they’re worth

    -delete-

    I don’t want to be awake anymore…

  • fear

    I’m afraid I’m going to run out of love. I never stop loving, I can’t stop loving, even the people who I hate most. I can’t stop loving any of the people I have loved even when they’re gone and never coming back. so what happens when I run out of love to give? people always tell me that there are plenty of fish in the sea but when I finally find someone who can love me and make it work, what if I’ve already had too many and I can’t love them back?

  • When Will I Forgive Myself?

    I told you I’m sorry,

    for the pain I caused

    I wanted to tell you every little thing

    that I am sorry for

    every word

    every stupid decision

    every mistake

    but knowing them would mean nothing

    because the truth is, I’m just sorry

    and I didn’t even look you in the eyes

    so you don’t know how sorry I am

    I know you didn’t really want me to apologize

    I hurt you, I said some of the worst things

    I made the biggest mistakes of my life with you

    and I’ll never be able to fix all the things I broke

    but I am sorry, just sorry

    because all the things I’m sorry for don’t matter

    sorry doesn’t fix anything

    and I know I can’t either

  • Random

    Why do I feel so lonely? I have at least a few friends and they talk to me somewhat frequently. I have my family and we spend a lot of time together. It’s not like I’m alone for very long on any day but I just feel so lonely. I don’t know, I feel like we all feel lonliness but nobody understands it. Why does it feel like life is a waste just because I feel a little lonely? I’m pretty sure I’m the lonliest person in the world most of the time.

  • We are all Driven by our Desires

    A single question constantly swims around my head

    I want to ask it every time someone looks my way,

    Everybody wants something, right?

    because there has to be a reason for everything,

    and what would we do for what we want?

    all the things people do must be intentional, right?

    I just keep wondering, what the hell do you want?

    what do you want with me, from me…

    aren’t we meant to be motivated by what we want?

    but maybe I should try asking myself

    because I don’t know what I want and

    I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one.